Suck it, Fuck it, What do I care?

I’m annoyed and frustrated and darn right angry! Why? Well there are many reasons. Most of them are about myself, I guess. But some of them are about those jerks that deserve a punch in the face. Those jerks that are rude, cold towards you, shallow and selfish. Man I hate selfish people. I’ts hard for me to grasp why people orbit around selfish induviduals. Why why why?!

And why is there no time for building snowmen, or sled riding or just asking each other how one another feels about life? And not just life in general. But how we really feel about everything. Why is everything about nothing these days?

But I know the real reason why I’m feeling like shit. Nothing is really going my way right now. And that’s hard to cope with, because honestly that doesn’t happen very often. So yeah I feel like shit. I feel like shit in school because I don’t feel comfortable, my classes are boring and all my close friends are graduating next year which has gotten me really worried. Will I be all alone next year? I could never handle that. And there’s a difference being visible alone and knowing you are alone. Of course I will have people to hang out with, but would I be missed if I wasn’t there? I think about that pretty often. I need people to like me. I have always felt the need to be accepted ever since I was a child. And when I feel like I am not needed I can get self conscious and I start noticing the flaws and cracks that I carry. I feel like it’s my fault that someone dosen’t like me so, I try to fix it. But more than often you can’t change the things that make you into you. No matter what you do they still won’t fancy you, they will not miss you if you don’t show up, they won’t cheer when you win and they won’t be there for you when you loose. Maybe I know to many who are like that. But I donät think that is the case. I’m thinking to much about how everyone else sees me, because I see myself in a bad way and therefor I start thinking that so does everyone else. I always analyze everything when I’m sad. It happens to be the thing i do the most right now. Fuck me right?

And I find myself acting rude towards the people who do love me Most likely because they are the ones who get to see how I really feel. I don’t know. I have to apologies tomorrow. I really do. I know that they are fed up with me.

Whatever it is I need to fix it before I comletely fall apart. I need to find time to hang out with my best friend, and I have to find a source of calmness, my mom suggested yoga. Iäm leaning more towards boxing. I need to smile more often. I have to stop critizing myself. I have to realize that I am good at many things, I know it to be true.

But most of all. I just need to love. Something. And i need something to love me back.

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