I took you by the hand and we walked to your bed. The only light in the room was the fairy lights that hung over your bed. When you fell asleep I lay awake looking up at them. I counted them one by one. 14 small balls of light hung over the bed, hung over me, over you.
You had your arm around me and you were breathing softly. You looked so fragile when you sleept. Your eyes were fluttering and I thought to myself that I hoped that it was me that you were deraming about. I turned to my side, facing you and I lay my arm on your chest.
It’s funny how simple things like waking up in the middle of the night and seeing you used to make me so happy. But tonight I wont wake up in the middle of the night to find you dreaming beside me. I wont be lying under your fairy lights and my arm wont rest on your chest. I want to, but I will not call you. Resist temptation. 101 survival guide.
Yesterday I was walking through one of the corridors in my school when I spotted him. He was sitting on a bench right beside one of the stairs and he had his arm wrapped around her. I haven’t seen him for a very long time. It must be two years now. And in a city like mine, where it feels like anyone who is your age knows who you are, two years feels like a lifetime.I don’t know what they were talking about but he didn’t notice me when I walked past and I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.
She looked sad. I can’t put my finger on what it was but is was something, I’m sure of it. I think she was sad about something she had read because she couldn’t take her eyes off the sheet of paper she was holding. He was holding her so tight with his face so close to hers and somewhere deep inside me I wished, just for a split second, that I could erase her out of the picture and put myself right there beside him.
I wonder why it’s like that. I don’t feel anything for him, anymore, yet I always get anxious if I see him or when I see one of his friends. Maybe it’s because the chapter of my life that involved him was never really finished. I closed it as quickly as I could. I tried to forget about everything that had anything to do with him as quickly as possible. I am aware of the fact that I am never going to forget him. But what annoys me the most is that I don’t know why. We didn’t kiss, we didn’t date, I don’t even know if we were friends. Well we were friends for that summer but after that it was over and we both moved on.
Something about him just really got to me. Maybe it was that he never gave me what I so obviously was craving. Maybe it was that he differed from all the other boys. Or did he? Maybe I just didn’t know him well enough to know who he really was. Maybe that is why I’ve never forgotten him; because he was a mystery. I’m very sure that he will be as unknown to me now as he was back then. It was weird to see him next to her. It was the first time I ever saw him next to a girl and the first time I saw him with his guard down. I don’t know if he was happy, but he seemed to be content.
It’s so funny when you see or meet people you tried to leave behind. They always seem to resurface when you were about to forget them. It’s as if life is trying to makes sure that you remember them so that you remember the mistakes and lessons that followed after you encountered them. It’s as if life is trying to help you to not make the same mistakes again. It puzzles me.
Hey there beautiful. Maybe I got you all worked up and worried when you realized that I had stopped visiting this little sanctuary to share my thoughts or maybe you were pleased to realize that I had stopped thinking out loud. Either way I hope you are pleased to know that I am alive and doing well. Lets just say that I’ve been pretty busy lately.
I’ve actually started exercising, a lot. As many of you know I used to fence, which I still do, but know I’ve added a few sports to my agenda because I’ve started getting into modern pentathlon. It’s actually really random that I started doing it but I am so happy that I have. If you don’t know what modern pentathlon is, it is a sport that consists out of swimming, fencing, shooting, running and show jumping. So yeah, I’m training a lot which is nice because I have so much frustration inside of me and the only way to get it out is to get physical and when you aint got no boy-toy you exercise, like hell. But it’s paying off. I’m a lot happier right now and I belive it’s because of all the hours going into running, shooting, swimming and fencing. The show jumping comes later when I’ve been doing the modern pentathlon for some time! I’m super excited about getting up on a horse though I can’t say that my friend and training buddy is as happy about that. I think our first encounter with the horses will be funny, she’s gonna be so freaked out.
Oh yeah! Guess what!! My dad turned 57 a few weeks ago. I hope that when I have reached 57 I will have a list of accomplishments which is as long as his.
So right now training, surviving school and still succeeding in having a social life is how monday to sunday looks like and I have to say that so far I’m pulling it off with finesse.
Papi and a delish birthday cake<3
Sleep tight my sexy bed bugs and I’ll see you soon. promise. I haven’t given up on this blog quite yet, xxx