Torture

I hate the feeling of uncertainty that comes along with love. Does he like me? Am I good enough? What if he finds me boring? Should I do this, should I do that? You question everything about yourself because suddenly what someone else thinks about you is important. I find it frustrating because I tend to torture myself until I finally find out if the person I like is into me or if they don’t feel the same way. gash

About tree weeks ago I would have been carefree and fine to live without love because there was no one that caught my eye. But now it’s the only thing I think about. I hate the first weeks when it’s the only thing that circulates you mind and you get weak in the knees when you know that your going to meet you crush. It’s only okay when they look back. It’s only okay when they show you that they are interested. Otherwise it’s just torture, pure and simple torture.

The city stinks of pooh

skullsSpring has arrived to Uppsala.

This means that several things have changed in my hometown. First of all, the pooh that was frozen and safely stored away under the layers of snow and ice have started to reappear and are now spreading the, oh ever so sweet and wonderful, smell of shit.

Secondly, creatures are starting to show their faces on the streets and in the trees again. The birds are back in town and I am overjoyed. I love waking up to a song sung by a bird.

And last but definitely not least, I think I’m falling hard this time. He might be someone worth thinking about. And trust me, I’ve been spending my fair share of time thinking about him; his dimples, his goofy laugh, his dark humour, his honesty, and his perfect body. Dudes, his body is perfect!! I freaking die every monday when I have to swim with him and I see him walking down to the swimming pool and the only thing that is covering his perfectly sculpted body is the pair of swimming trunks he’s got on. gosh *sigh*.

Right now my feelings are best described with the lyrics from Marvin Gaye’s song “Let’s get i on”.

I’ve been really tryin , baby
Tryin to hold back these feelings for so long
And if you feel, like I feel baby
Come on, oh come on,
Let’s get it on

Fuck he just texted me. My heart is starting to thaw, I hope he realizes that soon.

Let’s Have a Kiki

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You are supposed to be everything I ever dreamt off. You are supposed to be what I wait for at night, what makes me want wake up in the mornings and what makes me smile.

You’re nice to me. And you always blush when we say hi to each other. You’re funny and good-looking. You’re body is to die for. You have the cutest laugh. You love to discuss politics with me and you’re smart.

It’s so relaxing to be around you. But that’s the problem. It’s relaxing. It’s should to be exhilarating. I can’t wait to fall in love but I know that it won’t be you that I’ll fall for. And that is some some way heartbreaking because I know that we would be so good together but I still can’t forget that you don’t seem to be able to drive me insane. The kind of insanity I always feel when I like someone is lacking when I’m with you.

Please just drive me insane. Just stop being a gentleman and take me. I don’t know what you are waiting for. Let’s have a Kiki babe. I know you wont say no to that.

Fairy lights

I took you by the hand and we walked to your bed. The only light in the room was the fairy lights that hung over your bed. When you fell asleep I lay awake looking up at them. I counted them one by one. 14 small balls of light hung over the bed, hung over me, over you.

You had your arm around me and you were breathing softly. You looked so fragile when you sleept. Your eyes were fluttering and I thought to myself that I hoped that it was me that you were deraming about. I turned to my side, facing you and I lay my arm on your chest.

It’s funny how simple things like waking up in the middle of the night and seeing you used to make me so happy. But tonight I wont wake up in the middle of the night to find you dreaming beside me. I wont be lying under your fairy lights and my arm wont rest on your chest. I want to, but I will not call you. Resist temptation. 101 survival guide.

Revisiting the past

Yesterday I was walking through one of the corridors in my school when I spotted him. He was sitting on a bench right beside one of the stairs and he had his arm wrapped around her. I haven’t seen him for a very long time. It must be two years now. And in a city like mine, where it feels like anyone who is your age knows who you are, two years feels like a lifetime.I don’t know what they were talking about but he didn’t notice me when I walked past and I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.

She looked sad. I can’t put my finger on what it was but is was something, I’m sure of it. I think she was sad about something she had read because she couldn’t take her eyes off the sheet of paper she was holding. He was holding her so tight with his face so close to hers and somewhere deep inside me I wished, just for a split second, that I could erase her out of the picture and put myself right there beside him.

I wonder why it’s like that. I don’t feel anything for him, anymore, yet I always get anxious if I see him or when I see one of his friends. Maybe it’s because the chapter of my life that involved him was never really finished. I closed it as quickly as I could. I tried to forget about everything that had anything to do with him as quickly as possible. I am aware of the fact that I am never going to forget him. But what annoys me the most is that I don’t know why. We didn’t kiss, we didn’t date, I don’t even know if we were friends. Well we were friends for that summer but after that it was over and we both moved on.

Something about him just really got to me. Maybe it was that he never gave me what I so obviously was craving. Maybe it was that he differed from all the other boys. Or did he? Maybe I just didn’t know him well enough to know who he really was. Maybe that is why I’ve never forgotten him; because he was a mystery. I’m very sure that he will be as unknown to me now as he was back then. It was weird to see him next to her. It was the first time I ever saw him next to a girl and the first time I saw him with his guard down. I don’t know if he was happy, but he seemed to be content.

It’s so funny when you see or meet people you tried to leave behind. They always seem to resurface when you were about to forget them. It’s as if life is trying to makes sure that you remember them so that you remember the mistakes and lessons that followed after you encountered them. It’s as if life is trying to help you to not make the same mistakes again. It puzzles me.

Mi Casa Es Tu Casa

Hey there beautiful. Maybe I got you all worked up and worried when you realized that I had stopped visiting this little sanctuary to share my thoughts or maybe you were pleased to realize that I had stopped thinking out loud. Either way I hope you are pleased to know that I am alive and doing well. Lets just say that I’ve been pretty busy lately.

I’ve actually started exercising, a lot. As many of you know I used to fence, which I still do, but know I’ve added a few sports to my agenda because I’ve started getting into modern pentathlon. It’s actually really random that I started doing it but I am so happy that I have. If you don’t know what modern pentathlon is, it is a sport that consists out of swimming, fencing, shooting, running and show jumping. So yeah, I’m training a lot which is nice because I have so much frustration inside of me and the only way to get it out is to get physical and when you aint got no  boy-toy you exercise, like hell. But it’s paying off. I’m a lot happier right now and I belive it’s because of all the hours going into running, shooting, swimming and fencing. The show jumping comes later when I’ve been doing the modern pentathlon for some time! I’m super excited about getting up on a horse though I can’t say that my friend and training buddy is as happy about that. I think our first encounter with the horses will be funny, she’s gonna be so freaked out.

Oh yeah! Guess what!! My dad turned 57 a few weeks ago. I hope that when I have reached 57 I will have a list of accomplishments which is as long as his.

So right now training, surviving school and still succeeding in having a social life is how monday to sunday looks like and I have to say that so far I’m pulling it off with finesse.

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IMG_5187Papi  and a delish birthday cake<3

Sleep tight my sexy bed bugs and I’ll see you soon. promise. I haven’t given up on this blog quite yet, xxx